


every sun doesn't rise

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Gen, mentions of absent parents, mentions of deceased child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29164188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Febuwhump Day Two: “I can’t take this anymore.”.“I’m not enough.”Her heart drops, the sob dying in her throat when she buries her face in the top of his head, “You’re always enough for me.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 8
Kudos: 74
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	every sun doesn't rise

Maddie looks at her brother, tears in her eyes before she takes a breath, reaching out to take his hand in her own. “I’m so sorry, Evan, I just… I can’t take this anymore.” It’s not fair, it’s not a good explanation at all but she still finds some form of understanding in his eyes. The guilt rises within her almost immediately, and she feels sick at the thought of leaving him behind but it had been a moment of weakness. 

There’s a burning protectiveness deep within her when she looks into the eyes of her little brother, just ten years old and so much more deserving of a better life, better parents and… a better sister. The kind of sister who wouldn’t have left him a stupid note, only to be discovered by him, walking into her bedroom at two in the morning as she packed a bag. Maddie was fifteen and she had no immediate plans other than to get as far away from their family home and their parents as she possibly could. Her cheek still stung with the impact her mother’s hand had made hours before, a reminder that she didn’t think she could last another three years living in the same house as two people as cold and unloving as them. But in three years, her brother would be thirteen and he might be able to… deal with it a lot easier on his own. Five years without her. Just as many as she had done without him. He’d be okay, he had to be. 

“Maddie…” 

God, she wants to wrap her arms around him and protect him from everything for as long as she possibly can but she knows it’s not possible. She knows that sometimes life is painful and exhausting and that’s a bitter pill to swallow as a teenager because she’s barely had any life experience at all and so far, it’s just been… tiring. She wanted differently for Evan, she had hoped her parents would heal and would be able to move on and start learning how to be good parents. She was too young to remember a time before but she remembers her older brother. She remembers how sick he was. She remembers her parents never being home because they were always at the hospital. She remembers her grandparents telling her that it would be okay. 

Evan was too young; barely a few months into the world when their parents came home from the hospital alone, which wasn’t an unusual thing but something was different. And then they never talked about it again. The photographs scattered around their family home disappeared, his name became a taboo and she quickly learnt, even at such a young age, that her parents' reaction when she asked where Charlie went wasn’t  _ normal.  _ The being sent to her room as she sobbed became too much until she’d stopped asking and started wondering if she had imagined him. She sees so much of Evan in him; the blue eyes and the curly hair and she supposes that’s what their parents see too, when they look at him and it breaks her heart to think that in their own way, they’re punishing him. 

“You’re leaving?” His voice is small, the tears finally falling as he steps a little further into her bedroom. 

Maddie looks from her suitcase to her little brother, “I hate it here, I hate them and I hate who I am when I’m here.” 

“Do you hate me?” The words are enough to stop her in her tracks, his hand tightly held in hers as she stares at him, shocked that he would even ask her that. He had meant the world to her and whilst she couldn’t really remember holding him in her arms for the first time, that photograph sits proudly in her bedroom, a five year old version of herself with bright eyes and a huge smile as she held her baby brother in her arms and she knows that he had meant  _ everything _ to her from the very beginning. She still misses Charlie but she had found healing in Evan unlike her parents. 

She’s quick to shake her head when she snaps herself out of her thoughts, “No,” She yanks him forward, causing him to stumble just a little before she lets go of his hand to wrap both of her arms tightly around him, “I could never… you are the one good thing in this house, Evan. It’s just…” 

“I’m not enough.” 

Her heart drops, the sob dying in her throat when she buries her face in the top of his head, “You’re always enough for me.” That should be the answer they both need right then, the knowledge that she can’t climb out of her window and run away to Los Angeles, hoping to never be found by her parents. It wasn’t the greatest plan in the world, it wasn’t really any plan, but she had hundreds of dollars thanks to saving every bit of money they threw her away over the last year and she had determination on her side. Determination to get away from them and away from New York and to put thousands of miles between them so she wouldn’t have to pretend anymore. 

They’re not bad people, she has to keep reminding herself, her personal mantra every single time she tries to pull herself out of the darkness and remind herself that it could be… worse. Her mother only slapped her in a moment of immense anger, the two of them screaming at each other about… nothing and yet, everything at the same time. They’d missed her opening show, she had saved them seats and gotten her hopes up. She felt like an idiot because it probably wasn’t even that big a deal but they missed everything. Sure, they came home and they put dinner on the table and they made sure they were well dressed and provided for and everything a person would need in its most basic form. But there had to be more to parenting than that. There had to be some form of understanding that she needed more, she needed to feel wanted and loved and not like a burden that would never be able to compare to their first born. 

Just bad parents. There’s no  _ just _ about it though, because she’s fifteen and he’s ten and they need good parents, they need to know that there are two people on their side no matter what and they’ve never had that. It doesn’t matter how much she’s begged or cried or Evan has asked why they didn’t come to his soccer game or why they didn’t have family movie nights or… why they didn’t care. Maddie doesn’t think they’ve asked if either of them are okay, or if they had a good day at school. Just… are their grades good? Are they on track to go to college? Are they being the best Buckley’s they possibly can?

Maddie knows she can’t leave, as much as it hurts. She just has to prepare Evan over the next three years for life without her, teach him how to not make the same mistakes she had by expecting too much from them. It’s with a sigh, and forced, tear-filled smile that she pulls back and cups his face in both of her hands, looking him in the eyes, “You are enough.” She repeats, “I just… had a wobble but I’m staying right here, okay? I would never have left.” It’s a lie but maybe she would have been found or she’d have come back eventually but as always, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right? 

It’s a relief when he smiles back at her, despite the tears falling down his own face, “Promise?” When he holds his little finger up, she grins, dropping her hands from his face to interlink her own finger with his. 

“I promise.” 


End file.
